Published on 20 Jun 2020 by Dave Regg
Like many of us today, I have some issues in my head that I work to overcome in order to make progress in my life. One of those issues - anxiety. I have previously written about my anxiety while dealing with a job search, but here goes a brief recap.
I have anxiety which is typically triggered by social environments or large groups of people. My ideal amount of people I accompany is typically between 3 to 6 people, anything larger or smaller and my anxious symptoms tend to come out. These symptoms include physically shaking, inability to speak, and clouded thoughts which destroy my ability to speak.
Why? Well I lack confidence. I don't want people to think of me as an idiot. And most of the time, I feel like an idiot. I have expectations for myself, and I never live up to them. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, especially myself. So being a groups of people, or meeting new people altogether, is incredibly difficult for me.
I know that networking and meet ups are an important part of changing one's career. First and foremost, a new programmer can only learn so much by themself. Having different minds to brainstorm new solutions is vital in developing new skills. This goes for teaching yourself anything. Secondly, immersing oneself in the programming world keeps one's mind on programming. And finally, getting one's name, face, and, more importantly, work out in the community makes one more visible to other progammers in that city's community.
I been programming for five years, and four of those years, I have always regretted not going to a single Code Newbie Meet Up in Philadelphia. The group disbanded about two years ago, but a new Newbie Meet Up group was created in its wake, Free Code Camp Philly, based on freeCodeCamp, the acclaimed JavaScript school.
I discovered the group about one year ago. In my head, I was always thinking I'm not going to squander this opportunity like I did Code Newbie. I have to network, meet new people, and immerse myself in programming. I have to become better, and get my name and my work out there. The group meets every two weeks, and every two weeks I would RSVP. Then, I would get in the area of the Meet Up but I couldn't actually bring myself to walk into the room. Sometimes I would get as close as the front door, and then turn around and walk away. Other times, I would spend my time in a cafe right next door.
Each week I would think that I'm making progress, but in actually, I was allowing the anxiety to win.
Which brings us to COVID-19 and a socially distant Meet Up.
Since COVID-19 hit Philadelphia three months, meet ups have gone virtual. The first couple of weeks I didn't bother RSVP'ing because work was chaotic and I was picking up more than my usual 40 hours.
Once things calmed down, I swore that now was my opportunity. I would finally join a virtual meet up where all I had to do was meet people in a chatroom. I love communicating through typing, I find it much easier to get my point across. I figured the virtual meet ups were a perfect way to break the ice, meet new people, and get my name out there.
A month ago I RSVP'd to the Free Code Camp Philly Meet Up. I was psyched to finally get to meet new programmers and see how other people work through problems. When the day finally came, the nerves hit me. My thoughts went directly to the negative - They're all probably smarter than me. I have no idea what I'm really doing. I don't know what to expect from this meet up or how it works. What am I doing? Eleven o'clock came and went, and I never met up with the group.
That was a month ago.
In that time, I have now built my own Gatsby Blog. I revamped my Museum Gallery app. I made a bit more of a presence on Twitter.
I am now oozing confidence!
Once again, I RSVP'd to the Meet Up. I messaged the moderator.
I joined the Slack.
To join this week's Virtual Meet Up, please follow this link to the Google Chat.
Another unexpected twist shoved right into my heart. With that, my confidenced sunk through the floor, and my negative thoughts twisted up my spine and into my head once again. I can't speak, I don't want this to be the way people meet me for the first time, I'm going to come off as an idiot, my apartment looks like a mess.
It just so happened that my partner was home at the time. I told her that I felt uncomfortable with my first Meet Up being over a Google Chat. Her response?
You're going to do this, it's going to be easy, and it's going to be good for you.
I continued to shake. My lips were chapped and my throat dry. I shielded my face with a cap, and I signed up five minutes late.
But I fuckin' did it. I finally went to a Meet Up.
My partner, she's awesome. She gave me the strength I needed to finally break through and feel like I could accomplish something so small and so insignificant to some people, but for me, made me feel incredible.
The actual Meet Up was actually a dud.
There were only about seven people total. When I arrived, there were only three. We introduced ourselves and the programming journey we were on. I was the most inexperienced, I believe everyone else had some kind of tech job while I am only a hobbyest.
We then spent about 20 minutes talking about ExpressJS and trying to get CodeSandbox to work with an Express server. The host was the one who was trying to set up the project, but he had to leave as soon as we got the server to actually start. He left the meet up running but left the room to attend another meeting.
That left the rest of us reading documentation about the Mustache templating engine and trying to figure out the project that the host wanted us to build. As I felt the least experienced, and never having worked with Mustache, I sat there quietly, listening to other people discuss what to do in order to get the server, templating engine, and CodeSandbox all humming.
In the end, when we finally got the project to a point where things made sense, it was only three of us. At that point, I felt comfortable enough to ask questions about the project, and a bit more code related- How many meet ups have you attended? What's your experience with Mustache? But I quickly left after that.
All in all, the actual programming portion of the meet up was a dud. Networking, also a dud, since I barely spoke. It was all actually quite disappointing.
But after five years of programming, I finally fucking did it!